Reasons To Be Cheerful #33: Singer slash Actors and The Other Way Around

When in Zoolander, Slashies are given out for being the best actor slash model (and not the other way around), a trick was missed. What about the singer/actor and actor/singer slashies? These provide us with a rich mine of fine music and even finer acting. Unfortunately, those who make the crossover are often forgotten – left in the annals of the mediocre. I think this is a crying shame. So here’s to the slashies, let’s give them the love they deserve:

1. The Soap Stars

The soaps – and I would like a special mention to go to Eastenders here (Michelle Gayle anyone?) – have always been a breeding ground for talent. The alumni of Sylvia Young are not unlikely to turn up in one or other of them, and what this means is that our screens are dominated by all-singing, all-dancing, all-acting stars. Who remembers Adam Rickitt? No? He was hot stuff in Sugar magazine circa about 1999 when he left Corrie to pursue a music career. Granted he only released one of the six albums he signed to Polydor for, but he made it to number 5 in the singles chart. There was also Will Mellor (Jambo, Hollyoaks), Jennifer Ellison (Emily, Brookside) and cruise singing Claire Sweeney (also Brookie). But my all-time, hands down favourite has to be, without question, Sid Owen. Watch out for the wave, nine seconds in.

2. The Glamour Models

In 2005 Jordan, aka Katie Price when she’s being real, unsuccessfully attempted to enter the Eurovision song contest. While ‘Not Just Anybody’ criminally lost out to Javine’s offering, let us not forget the success she shared with Peter Andre on duet album, A Whole New World (number 8 in the UK chart. Seriously). But Jordan was not the first glamour model to turn her hand to music. Back in the ’80s we had page 3 favourite Sam Fox, who released ‘Touch Me (I want your body); and I doubt she will be the last.

3. The Try Hards

For every wannabe teen pop sensation there are a couple of actor/singers who want to turn it around. These born again singer/actors prefer to be known as artists and are ready to slate the soulless drivel wheeled out by the commercial pop industry. Unfortunately for them, earnestness does not equal talent. For cases in point please see Jared Leto and his quite successful (but shit) band, 30 Seconds to Mars, Gwyneth Paltrow, Keanu Reeves and Idris Elba who managed to trample all over his fucking cool persona with singles like ‘Private Garden’ – see below.

This song contains the lyrics: ‘let this brother enter your private garden’

4. The Reality Star/Singers

Ever since Craig Phillips, everyman and winner of Big Brother 1, released smash hit single, At This Time of Year, every reality star has been at it. From Kelly Osborne to Chanelle Hayes to – probably the most famous of the lot, Paris Hilton. Everyone’s favourite heiresse’s recent announcement that she is to re-enter the music fray caused quite a comedic stir on Twitter, with such gems as:

“I’m excited for Paris’s new album, the empire needs something awful sounding to torture the rebels with” (Darth Vader)

“Paris Hilton has signed to Cash Money, and will make a second album. I think I’d rather listen to a Mandrake scream without my earmuffs on” (Harry Potter)

“Paris Hilton is trending…. She’s releasing an album… The second act of terrorism in two days” (Ken Barlow)

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: Why didn’t Sid Owen’s career take off?)

Reasons To Be Cheerful #32: Music Videos

When I was a teenager, everyday after school I got home and turned on MTV Base to watch the R&B videos of the day. There was lots of Tweet singing about ‘loving herself’ and Nelly getting hot in hurrr. But I guess music’s just not what it used to be. These days I indulge in a music video only occasionally, but when I do, I go to town. I’m talking entire hungover days (that’s approx 4pm-10pm). Here are some reasons to be cheerful about them:

1. The Fitties

Music vids are undoubtedly full of fitties. Whole armies of them in fact. Men, women, singers, dancers, frame-fillers – they’re all horrendously good-looking. Some are even naked. But weirdly enough, it’s nearly always the women that are naked. This is nothing new, it’s practically a standard – not even practically, just is. Just look at Pharrell’s latest video (and oldest actually). It would be weird for women to be wearing clothes in these. Or another favourite of mine, Pitbull.  There’s nothing quite like seeing a man that looks like your pervy uncle being pawed by topless women. What glass ceiling?

No, let ME have him!

**This is the tame version! It’s all Youtube would allow. For full effect just visualise the girls without tops.

2. The Variation

Now and then an original music video comes along; normally by someone like MIA or artists you’ve never even heard of like Bingo Players (see below). But most of the time diversity is just not a watchword for popstars. Nicki Minaj? She’s in a wig and not much else. Taylor Swift? Boring narrative about whichever famous male she’s just dumped so she can write a song about him. Guetta? He’s at a beach/some kind of Ibiza party DJing, obvs. Any male hiphop artist? Why, he’s somewhere surrounded by boobs and cars. But we’ve already covered that.

 

3. Celeb Appearances

These days you’re noone unless Pharrell Williams is in your video. Or maybe Kanye West, who also likes to do a little cameo. I like these celeb cameos because you get to see who’s mates with who in celebsville. It can be quite depressing though. Everyone and his mum’s boyfriend turn up in Chris Brown’s videos. Cheers for the solidarity.

Spot  Pharrell, Diddy, Bow Wow, T-Pain, Nelly and Timbaland.

4. Air Brushing

Airbrushing is everywhere these days. Forget the celebdom, just scrawl to your more annoying Facebook friends – you know the ones with all the selfies – and tell me honestly that there’s not been some rudimentary Photoshopping. Never-the-less, for me noone does airbrushing quite like the music video. And after all, who needs ‘features’ anyway?

It’s Britney bitch

Breathe? Through a plastic face? (this is Blu Cantrell in case you’ve forgotten)

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: Noone goes to the videoshop just to rent out Thriller anymore. The magic of MTV is no more).

 

Reasons To Be Cheerful #31: Clothes Adverts

So, it turns out that Abercrombie and Fitch – a brand matched in overall blandness only by Jack Wills – wants thin and attractive people to be seen in its clothes. I’m not sure why this is a surprise. You only have to look at a billboard or open a magazine to see what kind of people any brand wants in its clothes. Except maybe Evans, or Dove when it’s making a point. But deodorant isn’t the same as clothes anyway, so…. I digress. Let’s look at some reasons to be cheerful about advertising:

Abercrombie & Fitch CEO: “We go after the attractive kid with a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes]”

1. They Show Off a Woman’s Best Assets

The female form is one to be celebrated. And where best to do it than in a publication with a key 18-30 demographic with a disposable income? Naturally the shoppers want to know they’ll look HOT. Why else would American Apparel models be constantly trussed up in a diverse variation on the vests/bottomless, tights/topless, jeans/shirtless combo?

Tights/topless. Very 2013

Jeans/shirtless. Hot right now.

2. Variation

The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum; what might be good for you, may not be good for some… That’s why we get to see size 6 models, size 8 models and… oh wait that’s it. But there is a range of hair colours and styles to be seen atop the waifish clothes horses. And, most progressive of all, nearly all the big high street chains now regularly feature a token mixed race girl in their campaigns.

Spot the token: from H&M…

…to M&S

To everyone’s favourite from the old M&S ads

3. They Are Aspirational

Fashion dares us to dream and that’s a beautiful thing. Like when we see Rosie Huntington-Whiteley bowling around in a Marks & Spencer jacket and we briefly entertain the notion that M&S could make us more supermodel-like. Or the assault on our senses of a bikini-clad Beyonce courtesy of H&M. Then there’s the Kardashians in Dorothy Perkins and Rihanna in River Island: the collections might be fugly but if the stars are doing it…

If you’ve managed not to see this…. I commend you

Rosie loves to treat herself to Per Una

4. Promoting Rainbow Families

Now some people find children’s fashion adverts  to be nauseating, unnecessary and an ugly mirror on the state of the world today. Fortunately, I am not one of those people. I see a world where little children of every colour hold hands and make friends. A world not miles apart from that shared by the whole Brangelina clan. If I may:

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: The real world doesn’t quite live up to the promise of these children’s adverts)

Reasons To Be Cheerful #30: British Politicians

Pryce and Huhne in happier times

This week fomer political bigwig Chris Huhne and his estranged ex-wife Vicky Pryce were released from jail early. For those of you not in the know, the former happilymarrieds took the whole ‘sharing everything’ thing a bit too far when MP Chris gave Vicky some of his driving licence points. A present maybe? Anyhoo, it got me to thinking. They may be on the whole, less attractive, less shiny and more ’embarrassing dad’ than their American counterparts, but actually, British politicians have got quite a lot going for them. Here’s the breakdown:

1. Scandal

Everyone loves a juicy scandal. It is a fact. And just look at the gems that some of Whitehall’s finest (ahem) have kindly provided us with. The above – Vicky Pryce, scorned by her Energy Secretary husband’s affair, told the courts that he had forced her to take his driving licence points. The courts disagreed. Both went down. Or what about ‘grey’ John Major? Forever remembered as the most boring of Prime Ministers, it only turned out that he’d been knobbing Edwina Currie all along! And Mr Hague – yes you William. Nobody, but nobody believes you shared a room with your 25-year old male special advisor for reasons of economy. Soz.

You say he’s just a friend

2. Cashing In

Any politico worth his or her salt must know how to turn a sticky situation around.  The most common tactic normally involves a book deal. Vicky Pryce has already announced hers. And who can forget Jeffrey Archer’s seminal masterpiece, A Prison Diary? Oh, you have? Well, nevermind. Crafted out of hardship, Archer’s three volumes were written during two years of incarceration that included weekdays working at Lincoln’s Theatre Royal. That’s hard graft for you.

Putting on a brave face

3. The Common Touch

While many of our major politicians have graduated straight out of the Bullingdon Club, there are plenty who really know how to connect with your common man on the street. UKIP – a party that can be summed up by its self description as a ‘Libertarian, non-racist party’ – has enjoyed a surge in popularity thanks to its personable leader, Nigel Farage. Undaunted by the closeness of his surname to Faberge (as in the posh egg), Nige offers the people what they want, like to ban the smoking ban and ship the foreigners out. The left too, has its fair share of ‘say it like it is’ players. Just ask the Labour supporter referred to by Gordon Brown as that ‘bigoted woman’.

Just like the common man, Nigel Farage loves a fag

4. PEOPLE SKILLS

British politicians are good at making friends, and they like to branch out. Just think about it. Dav Cam exchanges intimate texts and dinners with Rebekah Brooks; the Blairs were helped out by fraudster and friend, Peter Foster, and before anyone knew what a WMD was, Tone had all of Britpop round for tea. Over at the Lib Dems HQ, resounding failure Lembit Opik became such good friends with the Cheeky Girls that he decided to marry one of them. It didn’t work out.

Cheeky Girl

Cheeky drink

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: Tony Blair may well be the closest we ever come to a Barack Obama)

Reasons To Be Cheerful #29: TV Remakes

It became news to me this week that Everybody Loves Raymond was a massive hit. You may remember it from the ailing Channel 4 morning slot watched by the unemployed, the shift-employed and bored summer holiday students.  But apparently everybody in America was watching it. And now, eight years on, we’re remaking it. With Catherine Tate and Lee Mack. I will say nothing of the expected mediocrity, but it did get me thinking about other cross-Atlantic remakes. Here’s a collection of my more positive observations:

Who wouldn’t love this guy?

1. We Do Understated Comedy Better

Case in point: The Office. I’m not going to lie, I actually do quite like (love) the US version of The Office, but I love it a few series on when it departs from the straight copying of the first couple of seasons. Michael Scott is just no David Brent and as weird and strangely likeable as the sideline characters are, there can be no American Gareth.

“I don’t do sloppy seconds”

2. Americans Glamourise Everything

We do Strictly Come Dancing. It’s hosted by Tess Daly and one of the few octogenarian national treasures to remain untouched by child abuse scandals. It’s all very ‘harking back to the golden days of TV’ kind of stuff. The Americans do DANCING WITH THE STARS. Dragons Den, hosted by an economist,  becomes SHARK TANK. And what’s more, the contenders seem to think that they’re auditioning for the X Factor.

This is a Shark

3. But We Can Go Trashy Too

Let’s not get snobby here. It’s not only the Americans who can take the lowbrow. Just take a look at the ‘Shores. Specifically, Jersey and Geordie. Our Newcastle chappies and ladettes out-drink, out-shag, out-embarrass and generally out-trash their American counterparts. Booyeah!

Geordie Shore: the pride of Britain

4. They Bring In The Big Names

I’d never even heard of Alan Sugar before The Apprentice. And Donald Trump’s combover? Well it was just a ginger glint on the horizon. But now look at me. They’re practically friends. And we’ve  managed to ship Simon Cowell off to the States. If that’s not a reason to be cheerful then I don’t know what is.

Sorry about this…

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: This one’s for the Americans. Sorry for inflicting Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell and Cat Deeley on you. Sorry for attempting to give you Cheryl Cole).

Reasons To Be Cheerful #28: Rihanna’s Hair

If there ever was a true chameleon among the collective follicles of the stars, it would have to be Rihanna’s. Today we see her sporting long golden locks where yesterday it was a pixie cut, and all without a glimpse of the sticky extension attachments. Is there then, hope for us all? Probably not – most of us don’t have Rihanna’s face or hair stylist, but that’s no reason not to appreciate them. Some reasons for cheeriness:

1. It Doesn’t Give A Shit

Rihanna’s hair doesn’t pretend to be real. It doesn’t work to the conventions of hair growth (fake or authentic). Rather it gains 10 inches overnight without so much as an apology. I strongly suspect that the public has seen neither hide nor hair (unintended) of Beyonce’s real locks for some years now, but you don’t see her admitting it with dramatic length change. Hail not giving a fuck.

From this…

To this

2. It Works In Any Colour

Trashy blonde, bright red, caramel, brown, black. Whatever, they’re all working. Even when the hair is obvious wig it still looks bangin’.

3. It’s A Key Trend Predictor

Remember when Riri first went red? One week later and about 80% of black girls and 40% of all other girls had suddenly developed a taste for the brash hue. Poor man’s Rihanna, Rita Ora also broke out on the scene around the time of Rihanna’s trailer trash phase with copycat hair. Since then she’s been stuck on blonde while Jay Z’s protegee number one has seen more wigs than hot dinners. The hair just knows.

Blonde ambition

4. It Doesn’t Do ‘Off Days’

I have yet to see Rihanna’s hair looking unkempt. Granted its had dodgier days – earlier R&B princess and short asymmetric weren’t favourites of mine – but it’s always had purpose. Who else’s hair can say that? Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow’s, but who wants to write about a bore-off?

Remember sweet Rihanna?

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: The way Rihanna lets her hair down by sleeping with Chris Brown)

THIS hair???

Reasons To Be Cheerful #27: Children of The Rich + Famous

Pixie and Peaches Geldof, Tali Lennox, Jade Jagger, Kimberley Stewart, Paris Hilton… Some people might see these names as synonymous with words like ‘talentless’ and ‘sponge’ or ‘wastrel’ but here I would like to espouse some of their better qualities. Reasons to be cheerful are as follows:

Daisy and Pearl Lowe: Thanks for the fame mum

1. They’re a Reminder That Your Life Contains Meaning

After the initial jealousy that these people – who have done nothing but be born – get invites to Coachella, the Met Ball and other hot tickets… After that, you realise that they have no real purpose in life besides picking up cool friends and becoming a mid-level designer’s ‘muse’. They also think that  being in a band equates to ‘breaking out.’ At least you’re not deluded.

Rumer Willis: she may be at Coachella but she’s still no Demi

2.  They Make You Glad That You Don’t Have to Compete With Your Parents For Attention

When you go home and visit your parents, your parents’ friends tend to be pretty interested in you. Your job, other half, enduring singledom, successes and failures will probably be more interesting to them then the domestic bits and bobs they already know about mum and dad. But imagine, if you will, that your mum is a leotard-wearing popstar. See Cher’s transgender son (formerly daughter) for tips on coping.

From Chastity to Chaz

3. You Have Friends, Not Publicity Props

If you look closely at any photo of a Kelly Osborne/Pixie Geldof/Jaime Winstone with her arm draped around another celeb, you will see in her eye the subtle glint of an F. Similar to the dollar sign, this golden flash screams only for fame.

Gimmieeeee

4. Your Name Doesn’t Predicate You Being a Bellend

Much as we might like to denigrate the annoying sons and daughters of talented celebretants, it should be noted that all is not their fault. Imagine if you were called Memphis Eve (Bono), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson), Pixie, Peaches or Fifi-Trixabelle. Just think about it.

Prince Michael II ‘Blanket’ Jackson what does the future hold?

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: I think this post might reek of bitterness)

Reasons To Be Cheerful 26: Parklife

The sun is out in Hackney and it’s to the park we head. It’s a beautiful day for inhaling hummus and crisps in the sunshine, and it’s a gorgeous day for people watching. And the people? Well, they’re certainly interesting, which as we all know, is a polite way of saying either a) fucking annoying; b) god awful; or c) encouraging their dogs to mount each other. Here’s why I’m cheerful about the park/sun combination:

1. Opportunities For Acceptable and Civilised Daytime Drinking

A classy beverage

I should first point out that I have been known to enjoy a day drink on more than several occasions, and it would be mainly an untruth to say that these occasions have all been sunny. However, this does not mean that I am unable to appreciate the greater refinement that comes with enjoying a can of Pina Colada whilst sitting on a blanket in close proximity to cricket players. The Pina Colada may be 11% and taste like burnt sugar, but with the sun on its side, it has the high class aura of a vodka Martini sipped on a super yacht.

2. The Picnic

Not this one

There really is nothing quite like a picnic. A John Lewis basket spilling over with strawberries and cream, Champagne and pimiento-stuffed olives; fresh anchovies, cold meats and salads involving quinoa. Or, if you choose to err on the economic side, a blue plastic bag filled with one large bag of crisps and the corner shop’s own hummus.

3. The People

On sunny days, I sometimes experience as many as four people that i don’t know, saying hello to me. And that’s not including the old letches (then you’re looking at at least seven). The sun just brings out the best in people. You also get to enjoy the families that have taken advantage of the good weather by bringing toddler Jimmy and doggie Bruno out to the park. A personal favourite for me, was the family who today brought their adorable toddler and two massive rottweilers out. Who doesn’t like to see dogs rutting in front of a three-year-old?

4. The Wildlife

Butterflies, twittering birds, dragonflies. Aah the lovely creatures of summer. So where were you today? All I saw was midges and I’m itching even now.

Beautiful, or just a big fly?

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: The fat man apparently burning himself on purpose whilst lying topless on the grass. Absolutely no need for that really).

Reasons To Be Cheerful #25: Smug Celebrity Couplings

While you don’t have to be rich, successful and beautiful to be smug, it certainly helps. And in our pond-deep society it’s fairly rare to come across a celebrity who doesn’t tick all of the above. Now when you combine those attributes across two people and create a union, well then you have a different beast altogether. Let’s look at what we can thank smug celebrity couplings for:

1. They Show Us That ‘You Are What You Eat’ is More Than Just a Saying

When smug marrieds no.1, Gwynnie ‘the health’ Paltrow and Chris ‘I save the world with peaceful messages smeared across my knuckles’ Martin spawned baby humans, they took a typically wholesome approach. We already know that Apple, aka baby no.1, subsists on nutrient-infused apples alone (Granny Smith for savoury, Pink Lady for a special treat); and it can only be so long until baby no. 2 reaches his rightful destiny. Yes, we’re talking to you Moses.

The fruit of their loins

2. They Show Us That Platonic is Just as Powerful

The recent spate in celebrity BFFs has seen seemingly-inseparable duos taking over various party scenes and effectively using each other as publicity props. Rita Ora and Cara Delevingne are the latest pair to milk this particular brand of sromance (?) and have barely left the pages of the FeMail since embarking on their whirlwind. Other recent offenders include Nick Grimshaw and Harry Styles who shamelessly encouraged rumours of bumming, and Rihanna and Katy Perry, the former of whom couldn’t quite be bothered to make it to her bessie’s wedding.

Come on, just one more for the paps

3. An Example In Turning Over a New Leaf

Nothing screams ‘end to wildchild days’ like settling down in the country (or Primrose Hill), having a baby or two and embracing a life of domesticity. See Peaches Geldof and Lily Allen (or Cooper, whatever) for prime examples of this. Know that even if you are a 22-year-old hasbeen who’s past their peak and living off daddy, it’s NEVER TOO LATE.

Happy being boring

4. Nobody’s Perfect

Heidi Klum and Seal: not long ago one of celebdom’s most apparently successful marriages looked like they could weather a storm of even Rebecca Loos proportions. Unfortunately, it was not to be so. A couple of years after announcing plans to launch a TV show where they would help other couples to be as happy as they were, it turned out that Klum was getting with the help. So, as I said, nobody’s perfect.

Who knew this couldn’t last?

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: The smugness never ends. It just moves onto the next relationship).

Reasons To Be Cheerful #24: Weird Celebrity Couplings

We all have friends irl (that’s in real life for those actually spending most of their time there) whose other halves we just don’t get. Normally, due to racist leanings, weird obsessions or teddy  bear collections, we think these people don’t deserve our friend. Sometimes they’re actually way out of our friend’s league, but you keep that one quiet. Obviously this happens in slebsville all the time, and it gives me hours of mirth; here’s the breakdown:

1.  Hope For Us All

When we gape at whichever half of the weird coupling it is that’s punching above their weight, there is a little voice inside that says, yes, maybe I can ensnare Ryan Gosling/Mila Kunis/Tom Hardy. Take for example the short-lived pairing of Chloe Green and Marc Anthony. Granted Marc’s no picture, but he must have done something right to marry JLo. Chloe – daughter of tax dodging Topshop mogul Philip Green – is just like us, only more rich and less good. Anyone for a Latino superstar?

Marc A with poor JLo-alike

There’s a reason the sunglasses stay on

2. They Show Us You Don’t Have to Be Restricted By ‘Type’

For this point, let’s look at the bizarre case of comedian and sometime Doctor Who helper, Catherine Tate. When she started stepping out with Take That’s Jason Orange, people were understandably flabbergasted. After all she’s only funny, while he’s a lesser known member of a boyband. These days Catherine steps out with Adrian Chiles, the squashy-faced BBC cash cow who’s ‘charm’ didn’t quite translate to ITV’s Daybreak.

Could it be magic? No.

Re-light my fire

3. They Prove That Women Are the Less Shallow Sex

You don’t need to look at celebs to see that it’s hardly ever the woman going out with a younger, more attractive man. But here’s a list just for laughs: Mary Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy (creepy), Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, Konnie Huq and Charlie Brooker, Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum, Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood, Mila Kunis and Macaulay Caulkin…

Really??

REALLLLLY???

4. They’ve Shown Us How To Retain Youth

The elixir of the eternally youthful? Is it botox? Well maybe a bit, but not just that. I’m talking about being as young as the man you feel. Going against the grain, J.Lo has only gone and got herself a 25 year old at 43 years of age. Is it a coincidence that she looks so young? I think not.

Give me your youth

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: I wasn’t in the vicinity when Brad Pitt went black)

Pre-rainbow family