Reasons To Be Cheerful #55: The Baby Weight Boom

15 Oct

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Lately, it would seem that I cannot glance at a magazine rack or open up the sidebar of shame without being confronted, within milliseconds, by every woman’s greatest foe: BABY WEIGHT. I didn’t know this was my greatest foe until the magazines told me so. I have not got a baby, nor do I plan to be in possession of one anytime soon. And yet, I have definitely had very strong visions of doing a Davina workout in my future lounge while future baby sleeps. What kind of a world is it, where the media has me imagining: a) an actual baby and b) a Davina McCall DVD workout in a sitting room that I don’t even have yet?! THESE ARE NOT ASPIRATIONS. But, as ever, I strive for the silver lining, the positive side of things, the reasons to be cheerful (nice link, no?)

Look at the bump, THE BUMP

Look at the bump, THE BUMP

1. At Least You’re Not Kim Kardashian

Followers of this blog will be aware of my continuing bemusement and – let’s be honest – adoration of, the Kardashian klan. And though the face and front of the family, Kim has never been my fave, I certainly wouldn’t turn down a day in her life. That is, until the baby saga. I’m not going to go so far as to offer heartfelt sympathies to a woman who, having made her name from her body, is now facing harsh judgement over very same body… but I do feel for her. A quick google on KK reveals an intense obsession with her body post-North West (that’s the babby). And what’s worse, most of it is in that falsely sympathetic but hugely patronising tone that says stuff like: ‘brave Kim flaunts her curves’ and ‘Well on her way! Kim Kardashian displays svelte post-baby physique’. I’d rather continue to languish in obscurity and live my life vicariously through thinner celebs like Miranda Kerr. Cheers.

Women really need to look at the repercussions of childbirth

The frightening repercussions of childbirth

2. You Don’t Have to Be Nice to Pregnant People

Despite oft-hearing the grievances of pregnant and elderly people who claim to have been ignored on public transport, it’s not rare for me to see well-meaning members of the public battle it out to be the better citizen through seat-giving. But now we know that the main concern on a pregnant woman’s mind is fitting back into her skinny jeans, maybe it would be kinder to allow her that stand for the extra calorie burn.

3. You Might Find a Grudging Respect For Pointless Celebrities

While it’s true that around 85% of celebdom draws nothing more from me than disdain and unintentional humour, every now and again there’s a surprise player that manages to turn my opinion round. Remember Jennifer Ellison? No? She of Brookside, Dancing on Ice, lads mags and tits fame has of late reined it in with the nakedness and had a couple of babies with her fella. She’s also become the champion of new mums unwilling to bow down to the pressure of squeezing back into their size 10s within a couple of weeks of giving birth. Go Jenny! Who knew that Nuts magazine’s former ‘world’s sexiest blonde’ would gain my approval? I’m sure she’s chuffed.

Clearly Jen was just jel of Jess

Clearly Jen was just jel of Jess

4. Apparently Having a Baby is Incredibly Lucrative

In my occasional ponderings on spawning a child, just under baby weight comes the major concern of money. Babies are not just time-consuming, they’re expensive. And that’s before you’ve even bought the designer babywear. But now I know that I’ve been looking at it ALL WRONG. To turn your baby expenditure around, simply appear on a reality show, maintain your public visibility with a few lad mags shoots and then get pregnant. As publicly as possible. Now you’re in place to get a lucrative mum and new baby deal and, more importantly, you can sign a contract to have your incredible post-baby body journey recorded in the pages of a classy title like Woman’s Own or Pick Me Up. Can you smell the cash yet?

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: No reality shows will have me)

 

 

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