Reasons To Be Cheerful #59: The Selfie

19 Nov

kim k

If anyone wasn’t quite sure whether or not ‘selfie’ had yet fully planted itself into the public’s consciousness, then today’s news ought to settle the question. As ‘selfie’ is proudly proclaimed the Oxford Dictionaries word of the year, we can know with confidence that here is a word to stay, just like omnishambles before it. So, on this special day, I would like to take the time to give thanks to the selfie and to explore (briefly) the ways in which it has made us cheerful.

1. It’s Allowed Us to Show Our Fun Sides

Some bitter and unattractive people would have us believe that selfies are the reserve of a narcissistic society, so wrapped up in its own mirror image that it forgets to care about real problems. But what would those people know? Maybe they haven’t heard of Cara Delivingne. This confirmed queen of the goofy or ‘bonkers‘ selfie shows us that even beautiful people are willing to look silly sometimes. What a brave statement. 

Filters let us know that you're not actually ugly

Filters let us know that you’re not actually ugly

2. It’s Helped Us Show Off Our Natural Looks

Sometimes a world of lighting and fakery and Touche d’eclat just becomes too much, doesn’t it? Sometimes you just want to show the world your real face. The real you. That’s when #nofilter comes in really handy. If you’ve been vaguely interested in social media and celebrity this year (and if not, I’m not sure why you’re reading this), you’ll be aware of the make-up free selfie craze. The one that lets celebs show us that they’re not afraid to be seen in all their natural, barefaced glory. See below for how to do it like a pro.

Use the bikini distraction technique

Use the bikini distraction technique

Ignore the #nofiter rule and use a bit of optical illusion

Ignore the #nofiter rule and go for a bit of optical illusion

Make sure you're naturally pretty

But most importantly, be naturally good looking 

3. It Helps You Keep The World Posted On Your Actions

Facebook statuses have gone a long way in the battle against mystery. Thanks to FB we no longer have to guess at what our old uni chums are up to or where they’re at. It’s all there for us to see on the old newsfeed, tagged by name, place and date. The addition of a selfie works to bring an extra dimension to these happy tidbits. A feast for the eyes if you will. After all, it is such a tease to tell your friends you’re at Starbucks enjoying a gingerbread latte. You just know they’re aching to see and hopefully ‘like’  a cheeky sidealong of your big eyes peering over the top of the festive cup.

coffee selfie

Sexy works just as well

 

4. It Kept ‘Twerk’ Off The Top Spot

Though it rose to the top in the end, ‘selfie’ faced some stiff competition from ‘twerk’ in the Oxford Dictionaries word of the year 2013. I’d just like to take this moment to thank the Oxford Dictionaries team for choosing not to add more fuel to the fire of Ms Cyrus’s publicity bonfire. It’s really high time that the media stopped encouraging her fake rebellion and left her and her army of giant teddybears to twerk in peace.

Cos I don't want to give Miley any more attention

Cos I don’t want to give Miley any more attention

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: Omnishambles appears to have had its day)

 

 

Reasons To Be Cheerful #58: Winter Swag

6 Nov

Regular readers may have noticed something of a preoccupation with weather and apparel on this blog. Well I do not apologise. Both are about the most important things in any upstanding British person’s life and the related quandaries really are endless. So as we approach my least favourite season once again; shivering, naked (not really) and braced for the cold, I search the vagaries of my mind for reasons to be cheerful (as opposed to cold) about what Stylo G so eloquently termed, winter swag.

1. New Selfie Opportunities

Uploading bare-shouldered selfies onto Facebook and Instagram that hint at nakedness, but in a sort of self-mocking, knowing way (conveyed by silly duckface) can get a bit, well, same-y. Thank god for winter then, and its many accessories. Fluffy hat selfie? Yes please. Or how about a big cardigan wrapped around your shoulders? Double yes.

LOOK at my fur, God I'm fabulous

LOOK at my fur, God I’m fabulous

2. Quirky Hats

What better way to show off your creative, funny side than with a well-placed piece of novelty wear? During the blowy months, this need is best fulfilled by a simultaneously practical hat. Animal hats are perfect: they growl (you’re fierce), they’re fluffy (you’re also cute) and they’re really warm (you’re…. cold).

These 2 are young enough to pull it off

These two are young enough to pull it off

These three are not

These three are not

 

3. Tights

Some people await the onset of sun with glaring impatience to get their pins out. Some, especially in the north, love to get their legs out so much, that they forgo tights and trousers even in the dead of winter. Personally, I don’t understand this attitude. Not at all. Tights are just about the best practical fashion wear ever. Period. They make your legs look nice and slim and smooth (no stray hairs or scars) and they feel silky. And they go with pretty much everything. FYI: This refers to opaque black tights, sheer numbers and the occasional pattern. It certainly does NOT include fake suspender tights, anything with bows on or the excessively-patterned.

Prostitute chic

Prostitute chic

4. No-Shave Legs

Leading neatly on from point 3, I’d like to share in my love of freedom from leg shaving. Though most of winter is high maintenance – extra layers to think about, more buttons to do up, that kind of thing; personal grooming can take a step back. And it feels great. Obvs there are times when it’s not really ok to go in hairy-legged, but you definitely don’t need to be doing it on a regular. You won’t, for example, be scrutinising that patch on your knee you missed when swinging your bare legs in the sunshine. Legs are appropriately covered and non-swinging. It is winter after all.

Tights make you look like a 90s fittie

Tights make you look like this 90s model

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: UGG Boots)

No words

No words

Reasons To Be Cheerful #57: Halloween

31 Oct

main

All Hallow’s Eve. Derided as ‘American’ by my mum, but appreciated by everyone else who likes to get dressed up and drunk at the same time. The origins of this October tradition are either lost are never known to most, but what do we care? There are sweets, bats, scary films and flashing red horns to think about. Not to mention the barage of dressed-up dogs, pumpkin foodstuffs and egg-throwing possibilities (that one’s for the teenagers, obviously). Here’s a spooky selection for you:

1. The Dressing Up

It’s a sad fact that since the early noughties, trends like the wonderbra and corsets have been relocated to the fashion wilderness. How are we meant to show off our womanly curves, our ‘assets’ if you will; now that it’s just not cool to be able to stick a pencil between your tits? Thankfully, there’s still Halloween. What other time of year can you put the word ‘sexy’ in front of any animal or supernatural creature and call it a ‘costume’?

Next year: sexy skunk

Next year: sexy skunk

2. The Food

I love pumpkins. I like to carve them and to eat them. I’d like to say I enjoy cooking with them, but that one’s still on the to-do list. And if pumpkins aren’t your thing, you’re hardly missing out. Halloween after all, is all about the SWEETS. (Trick or) treats covered with fake blood, mushy eyeballs and – if you go to fancy pop-up dos like me – extraordinary cakes that resemble rotting fingers, faeces and mouths of krakens. It’s definitely an appropriate time to stuff yourself; unless you’re pulling yourself into a sexy catsuit.

RIP... in my stomach?

RIP… in my stomach?

3. The Taking it Too Far

This year in Oklahoma, one funny guy decorated his drive with fairly realistic (from a distance) dead bodies. Some people thought that the creative Mr Mullins was taking it a step too far and called 911. But what’s life if you can’t cross a few boundaries? That’s probably what Jimmy Saville thought, and there’s another bone of contention. The hordes of shell suited, silver haired revellers roaming the streets this time last year caused a few people to call out bad taste, but I think most people just laughed. Then there’s the blackface. When is this ok? Is it ever? I have it from a good source that as long as you get a picture (whilst in blackface) of a real-life black person standing with their arm around you, you’re good to go.

L'il Wayne + Wayne's World = this

Next best thing is a picture of a real-life black person

Doing it for the kids

Doing it for the kids

4. Facepaint

The nostalgia of childhood; fairs where your face was painted like a tiger or a butterfly, the gentle rash that came after.. Ah it’s nice to  hark back. But alas, there’s another great bonus to facepaint and that is its sheer anonymity. If you go far enough even people that know you well won’t recognise you, and let’s be honest, sometimes that’s a good thing. Avoid all the annoying people that you’re forced to hang out with by turning your face into an elaborate Joker (Heath Ledger style) and enjoy your night.

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: So many sexy devils)

Classy. Of course

Classy. Of course

 

Reasons To Be Cheerful #56: Acronyms and Abbrevs

24 Oct

main pic

This week’s post is more appropriately titled r2bc. It’s a celebration of a boom in language once described as text speak and the scourge of many a linguistic purist. It’s part of a dawning realisation that the youth of today  don’t even know how to speak anymore and that the vernacular of laziness has become the order of the day. One school has banned slang and anyone who engages with teenagers will know that it’s just absolutely no use saying ‘go away’ or ‘at the moment’ to one. Obvs they’ll have no idea what you’re talking about. If you didn’t already know this, then all the more reason for you to continue reading. tbc..

What today's teens look like

What today’s teens look like

1. The Fun Ones

Yes it’s been rinsed, over-used and even maybe exceeded its allowed time as a knowing ironic statement, but for me ‘lol’ will just never get old. I especially like it as a verb, ie: how we lolled or im lolling. And that’s not to mention the many offshoots, from lol o’ clock to lolocaust to lol centrale. I could go on. A friend’s favourite is imho (in my humble opinion), not because it’s fun to have an humble option, but because it reads like I’m a ho. What’s not to love?

2. The Aggy Ones

Fml (fuck my life), gtfo (get the fuck out), ttyn (talk to you never),wtf (come on). These all have a nice, slightly aggressive tone to them which I find suits my lifestyle. They’re dismissive but not abusive, and angry but not raging.  They’re also pleasingly opaque when used in the presence of older relatives who have annoyed you.

Geddit?

Geddit?

3. The Easy Ones

You don’t have to work in acronyms to achieve lazy speak, you can simply shorten your words. I like obvs, natch (naturally), stands (standard), unbeliebs, abso (lutely), potensh (potential/ly). Just think of the time that you’ve saved with all this cutting off of spare syllables. Those collective minutes and hours equate to your novel/new language/grade four piano, or even just a clutch of new time-saving words.

4. The Z’s

Even though it fucks me off to high heavens when companies put unnecessary ‘z’s and ‘k’s in words (think skool, kidz, daze for days), it is of course, ok when I do it –  just between friends, natch. I’m having lolz, messaging galz and calling my friends Lozza, Cozza and Jozza. I’m also being quite annoying. Soz.

Abso not kewl

Abso not kewl

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: YOLO. I’m sorry and I know I’m in no position to judge, but I just feel it’s had its day)

Reasons To Be Cheerful #55: The Baby Weight Boom

15 Oct

main

Lately, it would seem that I cannot glance at a magazine rack or open up the sidebar of shame without being confronted, within milliseconds, by every woman’s greatest foe: BABY WEIGHT. I didn’t know this was my greatest foe until the magazines told me so. I have not got a baby, nor do I plan to be in possession of one anytime soon. And yet, I have definitely had very strong visions of doing a Davina workout in my future lounge while future baby sleeps. What kind of a world is it, where the media has me imagining: a) an actual baby and b) a Davina McCall DVD workout in a sitting room that I don’t even have yet?! THESE ARE NOT ASPIRATIONS. But, as ever, I strive for the silver lining, the positive side of things, the reasons to be cheerful (nice link, no?)

Look at the bump, THE BUMP

Look at the bump, THE BUMP

1. At Least You’re Not Kim Kardashian

Followers of this blog will be aware of my continuing bemusement and – let’s be honest – adoration of, the Kardashian klan. And though the face and front of the family, Kim has never been my fave, I certainly wouldn’t turn down a day in her life. That is, until the baby saga. I’m not going to go so far as to offer heartfelt sympathies to a woman who, having made her name from her body, is now facing harsh judgement over very same body… but I do feel for her. A quick google on KK reveals an intense obsession with her body post-North West (that’s the babby). And what’s worse, most of it is in that falsely sympathetic but hugely patronising tone that says stuff like: ‘brave Kim flaunts her curves’ and ‘Well on her way! Kim Kardashian displays svelte post-baby physique’. I’d rather continue to languish in obscurity and live my life vicariously through thinner celebs like Miranda Kerr. Cheers.

Women really need to look at the repercussions of childbirth

The frightening repercussions of childbirth

2. You Don’t Have to Be Nice to Pregnant People

Despite oft-hearing the grievances of pregnant and elderly people who claim to have been ignored on public transport, it’s not rare for me to see well-meaning members of the public battle it out to be the better citizen through seat-giving. But now we know that the main concern on a pregnant woman’s mind is fitting back into her skinny jeans, maybe it would be kinder to allow her that stand for the extra calorie burn.

3. You Might Find a Grudging Respect For Pointless Celebrities

While it’s true that around 85% of celebdom draws nothing more from me than disdain and unintentional humour, every now and again there’s a surprise player that manages to turn my opinion round. Remember Jennifer Ellison? No? She of Brookside, Dancing on Ice, lads mags and tits fame has of late reined it in with the nakedness and had a couple of babies with her fella. She’s also become the champion of new mums unwilling to bow down to the pressure of squeezing back into their size 10s within a couple of weeks of giving birth. Go Jenny! Who knew that Nuts magazine’s former ‘world’s sexiest blonde’ would gain my approval? I’m sure she’s chuffed.

Clearly Jen was just jel of Jess

Clearly Jen was just jel of Jess

4. Apparently Having a Baby is Incredibly Lucrative

In my occasional ponderings on spawning a child, just under baby weight comes the major concern of money. Babies are not just time-consuming, they’re expensive. And that’s before you’ve even bought the designer babywear. But now I know that I’ve been looking at it ALL WRONG. To turn your baby expenditure around, simply appear on a reality show, maintain your public visibility with a few lad mags shoots and then get pregnant. As publicly as possible. Now you’re in place to get a lucrative mum and new baby deal and, more importantly, you can sign a contract to have your incredible post-baby body journey recorded in the pages of a classy title like Woman’s Own or Pick Me Up. Can you smell the cash yet?

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: No reality shows will have me)

 

 

Reasons To Be Cheerful #54: Downton Abbey

7 Oct

The general consensus amongst myself and friends of at least moderate intelligence is that Downton Abbey is; well, a bit shit. It’s full of clunky lines, unbelievable storylines and well below-par acting. And yet we all keep flocking to it. Why, you might ask? Here goes:

1. It’s Full of Surprises

Say what you want about Downton, but it’s not afraid to pack a punch. Last night after 50 minutes dominated by talk of syllabubs, almost-flirting and the entirely redundant Mr Mosely, Anna got raped. And let’s not forget the deaths of the family’s only likeable characters, Sybil and Cousin Matthew – both untimely, both leaving annoying other halves. One season, it jumps from the Somme to flapper in the blink of an episode; the next time round it’s a dreary parade of lone days that seems to go on forever.  Who’d want TV that was always exciting anyway? (I guess there might be a couple..)

I say Mary, I fancy I might walk again next week!

I say Mary, I fancy I might walk again next week!

2. British Pride

Downton is HUGE in America. And noone over there seems to realise quite how crap it is. It actually wins awards, and not the National TV ones that are dominated by the midriffs of soap ‘stars’. This, conversely, fills me with pride. Not so much for the show or it’s middling actors. More for the superiority of us Brits. Americans have given us The Wire, Breaking Bad, Boardwalk Empire, The Sopranos and a whole host of other really, genuinely fantastic TV programmes. And yet they still fall for what is essentially a terrible script, nicely wrapped up in beautiful period garb and the Queen’s English, just because it satisfies their ideals of Britishness. How ghastly!

One man's treasure...

One man’s treasure…

3. The Clangers

During a break from WWI:

Lord Grantham: “Still in one piece, thank God”

Cousin Matthew: “Touch wood”

Lord Grantham: “I never stop touching it”

C’maaaaan.

4. The Tabloid Fodder

It’s a world-renowned fact that any TV show is vastly improved when its viewers are able to compare the actors’ portrayal of characters to their real life selves, as seen on the pages of Heat. Well, any dedicated celeb follower will know that you can’t even glance at the Mail’s Sidebar of Shame without seeing Lady Mary or Anna hogging the limelight at some kind of premiere. Joanne Froggatt who plays Anna (and who started off as a cult runaway in Corrie a few years back) is the worst offender. It would seem that given the confidence of American success, the entire female cast now believes itself to be made up of fashionistas. Long gone are the upmarket versions of Hollyoaks and Emmerdale actresses. No, they’ve been swapped for Prada and Vivienne Westwood in a serious case of over-exposure that has been outdone only by former (that’s former) Olympic cyclist Victoria Pendleton.

Upstairs meets downstairs meets snoozefest

Upstairs meets downstairs meets snoozefest

Envelope opening anyway?

Envelope opening anyone?

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: I don’t like the way they’re diluting Dowager Maggie’s wonderful acerbity by making her all nice)

Maggie I love you, but let's not lose the froideur

Maggie I love you, but let’s not lose the froideur

Reasons To Be Cheerful #53: Recruitment People

2 Oct

handshake

In my lengthy dealings with the people who call themselves ‘recruitment consultants’, it has become increasingly apparent that the potential bridge between me and my dream job is – to be quite frank – formed from a barage of idiots and liars.

They join the salespeople, the taxmen and the estate agents in that special low place at the bottom of the general (self-respecting) public’s esteem. They speak in jargon, perpetuate bullshit and are generally bad for the soul, but as I’ve always said, noone’s all rotten. Even Mussolini had his good points I’m sure. So let’s dig deep for the reccies…

'Please don't expect to hear from me again'

‘Please don’t expect to hear from me again’

1. They’re Good at Getting Back To You

Say what you want about recruitment people, but if they like your CV they will call you as soon as they’ve seen it. I like to see the subsequent interrogations – in the disabled loo, always during work hours – as a good 20 minutes of interview practice. I mean, there’s no use getting annoyed just cos they asked you questions instead of actually reading your CV, before failing to ever contact you again.

2. They Know Their Shit

Being told that I ‘sound like a social media whizz’ by a recruitment person who’s not even on Twitter, but who is calling me about a marketing job, well there’s no compliment quite like it. And when she follows her informed comments with an emailed person specification that fails to match me on a multitude of levels, well that’s even better.

3. They Say What They Mean and They Mean What They Say

When a recruitment worker says, under no duress, ‘I’ll send you an email this afternoon’ you just need to know that ‘this afternoon’ roughly translates to ‘the 12th of Never‘. And when they say ‘you’re a perfect fit for this role’ you just need to know that what that means is ‘you’ll never hear from me again‘. It really is that simple.

4. If They Can’t Help You They Know Someone Who Can

Sometimes – admittedly occasionally – recruiters admit on the phone that X or Y job isn’t right for you. Clearly this is a questionable strategy as compared to the usual strategy of straight lies, but us jobhunters can take it. Anyway, when this unusual turn of events does occur, it often turns out that recruiter’s colleague has many more roles that are right up your street. They’ll be passing your details on. Expect a call soon (see point 3).

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: How can there always be recruitment positions when there are no other jobs?)

Reasons To Be Cheerful #52: The Week Before Payday

26 Sep

main

Living paycheck to paycheck is often denigrated as a mean existence. But come on, without going into the whole ‘starving children in Africa’ thing, we don’t know how good we’ve got it. Can millionaires take the week before their paycheck to become reacquainted with their basic cooking skills? Hardly. And I bet their lunches are way more calorific than the Marks & Spencer soup (£2.09 for two portions) that has been my bargain bin meal. So let’s all hail the week before payday as something not so different from lent. Here are my reasons why:

1. You Can Test Out Your Cooking Skills

With a meagre amount of money in the bank and an even more meagre amount of food in the fridge, the week before payday is not the time for Tesco’s finest salmon fillets with a fancy salad featuring feta cheese. No, no, this is the time of making your money stretch. And if you don’t want to go down the pasta pesto route, you need to get inventive. This isn’t a Jamie Oliver blog, so I shan’t be handing out recipe ideas, but just as an fyi: I’ve been eating chilli all week and it’s been damn good.

You don't get this chub budget cooking

You don’t get this chubby budget cooking, Jamie

2. Involuntary Detoxing

£10 til payday doesn’t really cover a couple of nights in the pub, so unless you’re desperate enough to drink the dregs of that miniature whisky bottle bought at 3am on Sunday morning, it looks like you’re going booze-free for the week. This might not seem ideal at first, when friends ask you out for a drink or you walk past the city suits living it up in All Bar One (actually, hang on..); but just think of your liver. It’s a fairly important organ and one day all these monthly skint weeks could really pay off.

No thanks, I choose my liver (til the last Friday of the month)

No thanks, I choose my liver (til the last Friday of the month anyway)

3. Getting Stuff Done

It can be hard to fill in that tax form, call the bank, apply for that job, study for that online course ETC when your social schedule dictates that you have to go out and spend money.  So when the social calendar is temporarily emptied due to ongoing fiscal concerns, that’s the time to take action on your tick list. It is emphatically NOT the time to revisit the first series of Game of Thrones.

Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs...

Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs…

..or NED STARK

..or NED STARK

 

4. A Tenner Becomes Like Gold Dust

During payday weekend you could be forgiven for treating a ten pound note about as preciously as you would a Jehovah’s Witness pamphlet. You might not even recall what you spent it on (giant jars of pickles, aloe vera juice and Arabic peanut butter from the local corner shop), after all what’s a tenner when you’re ‘rich’? Skip forward three weeks and it’s a slightly different story. You may be considering selling your back-up phone for £20; you might even be collecting coppers from various surfaces around your house to put towards a roll of bread to dip in your M&S soup. But find a tenner in a back pocket and you’ll feel like Charlie Bucket.

That's at least two pints!

That’s at least two pints!

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: Doesn’t look like the millions are rolling in anytime soon)

 

 

Reasons To Be Cheerful #51: Early Onset Christmas

24 Sep

For at least the last ten years, the advent of autumn has been the advent of complaints that Christmas starts earlier ‘every year’. I’m not sure if there are statistics to back this up (and you’re in the wrong place if you’re after verifiable research), but anecdotal evidence, garnered from the moderately reliable source of my own memory, would certainly support this. Yes, restaurants have always surreptitiously scattered Christmas menus sometime after June, but I don’t remember the Merryteasers* being quite so prevalent this time last year. So let’s be un-grinchy and take the positive path. What’s good about early festivities?

*The Merryteaser

*The Merryteaser

1. It Puts Summer in the Shade

This year, it’s true, we’ve actually had a pretty good summer – at least in comparison to the dire non-seasons of the past few years. But most years summer turns out to be a drudgery whose drudge is only intensified by the knowledge that it’s MEANT TO BE HOT. So at least when the tinsel and tittle tattle of Christmas comes along prematurely, we can accept the weather for what it is.

2. The Food

Even though a little bit of me dies every time I spy a mince pie before October, there’s also a bit that says ‘gimmie’. Gimmie the mince pies, the chocolate snowmen, the advent calendars and the pub Christmas dinners, even the Wetherspoons ones. GIMMIE.

A Christmas Calorie

A Christmas Calorie

3. The Countdown

This: www.xmasclock.com is a Christmas countdown. It’s like the one you used to do in the back of your journal at school when you still got too excited to sleep on Christmas eve (no?); just more modern. It’s a reminder of how many days are left until you have to buy a Christmas party dress, plumb the depths of your mind to think of a present for dad and make the gut-wrenching decision between an extra winter coat for you or a decent present for auntie Liz. We all know who’s getting Milk Tray.

4. Shopping

This year you’ll beat the rush. I know, I know, it was said and not done last autumn, but this year will be different. You will NOT battle the throngs of people attempting to beat their fellow shoppers to death with their John Lewis bags. No, no, you’ll be doing it all online and before November.

Hell on earth? Oxford St in December

Hell on earth? Oxford St in December

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: The impending vommy adverts featuring soulless singers stomping all over classic tunes with contrived sweetness and questionable melody).

Reasons To Be Cheerful #50: Men On The Prowl

10 Sep

In my fairly extensive experience of being a member of the fairer sex, I have had the great pleasure (irritation) of being approached by a series of invariably ineligible men on the street, on public transport and in the office. But that’s just a lady’s life and god knows that we love the attention. After all, what says flattery more than a poorly thought out chat-up line? Here are my reasons to be cheerful.

1. Tactics

"Whistle and you'll get her attention!"

“Whistle and you’ll get her attention!”

I appreciate a bit of effort as much as the next, and I know that when a man goes that extra mile to try and impress me, he’s doing it because he really really respects me. Take last week when my friend and I were approached at our pub table by a man asking if he could sit with us. I rudely told him he could do what he wanted as we were going outside anyway, so imagine my embarrassment when I realised that he was in fact with his boyfriend. This led to some overcompensating on my part and the result that my friend and I found ourselves being chatted up by two apparently gay men. Never before have I felt so desirable as when this straight man (drunk and old) faked homosexuality to try and get into my pants.

2. Chat Up Lines

Yes please

Yes please

As a general rule chat-up lines don’t get much love. They’ve been designated to the bin of cheese, the one that contains lines like ‘did it hurt when you fell…. from heaven?’ and that one about your dad being a thief cos your eyes are diamonds or some such trifle. But at least they give us a laugh, right? Like when a man in a car asked for directions:

Me: “where to?”

Him: “your pants”

Sheer brilliance, no?

3. They Show You That Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number

age quote

(That may or may not denote a perversion)

The Clarks advertising team said you should act your shoe size, not your age and although – going by the ads – this seemed like a lot of fun, it was also fraught with impracticalities. How is a six-year-old to manage a job and a mortgage? It was boring considerations like these that prevented many people from heeding Clark’s life-affirming words. But there was a small, yet significant segment of the population that did choose to dumb it down. I’m talking about the men who apparently don’t see age; the ones that feel it’s absolutely fine to leer, lech, heckle and ask for your number, even though they’re clearly older than your dad. That confidence is H.O.T.

4. The Determination

In films, if someone is really determined to ‘make you his’ and acts in a way that is tantamount to harassment, it is seen as romantic dedication to the cause of love. So if someone follows you up the street despite your protestations that you are not interested, you should feel flattered. Similarly, if a man mutters creepy complimentary remarks about you to your boyfriend while standing behind the two of you, well it’s probably time to say out with the old and in with the new… Gretna Green here we come.

(REASONS TO BE PISSED OFF: Always thinking of a good putdown after it’s too late)